Too Much Pain To Bear
by Gage39
Summary: Gage considers killing himself.


Title: Too Much Pain To Bear

Author: Gage39

Summary: Gage considers killing himself.

Note: I got this idea after listening to "The Last Letter" by Michael W. Smith.

Gage slowly walked up the stairs and turned down the hallway. He continued walking until he reached apartment 208 then he pulled out his key, unlocked the door, and went in. He tossed the mail on the couch and his keys landed on the coffee table knocking the newspaper to the ground. He just ignored the mess and went to his bedroom where he kicked off his shoes, threw his black leather jacket on the floor, and laid his gun on the dresser.

His stomach growled and he headed toward the kitchen where he looked at the contents of his refrigerator. A carton of milk which had expired five days before, some cheese that was turning green, two cans of pop and a bottle of beer. He chose the beer and opened it, leaving the bottle cap and bottle cap opener on the counter.

He sat down on the couch and drank half of the beer in one gulp. He sighed heavily and sat the beer on the table and reached for the remote and turned on the TV. He flipped through the channels until he found what looked to be one of the Lord Of The Rings movies and left it there.

_Sitting alone up in your empty room_

_In the stillness of the night_

_Where all the many dreams that used to carry you_

_Are no longer in sight_

Despite the loud noises emitting from the television set Gage found his mind drifting back to days past, when his life hadn't been as lonely or sad.

"_Daddy, is life always fun?" six-year-old Francis asked._

"_No, Frankie, it's not. Most of the time life is hard and unbearable," his father had replied._

"_It's not unbearable to you," Francis argued._

"_Sometimes it is, Frankie, but when it gets tough I just think about all the good things I have in life. Like your mom and Julie."_

"_What about me?"_

"_You're one of the best things that ever happened to me and don't you forget it," his dad swooped him up in a big hug and Frankie hugged him back._

"_I love you, Dad."_

"_I love you too, Frankie."_

Gage shook his head. No need in going down _that_ road. Unfortunately once he had started he couldn't stop. Memories from his past ran through his head like an out of control train. A shudder ran through his body and he shivered despite the fact that it was 80 degrees. He sat there as long as he could. When he couldn't stand it anymore he grabbed a piece of paper and a pen and started writing.

_To whoever finds me: Know that I, Francis Jonathan Gage V, have died at my own hand. There was no foul play involved. I simply can't go on like this anymore. I apologize to whoever found me but there was no way to avoid it. Syd, if you found me I'm so sorry but please know that it's not your fault and I love you. To all my friends and family I want to say thanks for caring about me._

_Sincerely, Francis Jonathan Gage V_

_You put your feelings down in black_

_And white_

_A sad, disturbing reply_

_That you don't really want to face_

_Another night_

Gage looked around for a place to put the letter and finally decided on the coffee table where it would be in plain sight. He went to his bedroom and opened his closet and yelped as a box fell out and hit him on the head. He rubbed his head ruefully and carefully pulled out another box. He carried it to the living room and sat it down on the coffee table.

He opened it and lifted out a picture and stared at it. He and his dad had gone fishing and he had caught a humongous fish. He was holding it up and grinning from ear to ear. He swallowed hard, trying to fight back the tears but not entirely succeeding. A picture of his mother caught his eye and the dam broke and tears streamed down his face. He rocked back and forth sobbing all the while.

_So you're saying goodbye_

_But do you know that you're saying_

_Goodbye _

_To a lifetime_

For just a second Sydney's face filled his mind and he smiled sadly as he remembered how she had looked coming down the aisle at Walker and Alex's wedding. She had been so pretty in that purple bridesmaid dress and so mad when she had caught the bouquet. After that first kiss he had dreamed about getting involved with her but getting thrown on the gym floor had squashed that fantasy. Despite the fact that she _had_ confessed her true feelings for him it had been too late by then. He was too afraid of her hurting him so he had left it alone and acted like he hadn't heard her but he had.

_There's another way_

_To be free-to be complete_

_But, you're got to make it thru_

_Another day_

Gage picked up a picture of him and Julie and smiled. That had been his eighth birthday party from the looks of it. Both of them were covered in frosting and were scowling at the camera. The two of them had been so close. What had happened? They rarely, if ever, talked and when they did it usually ended up in an argument. He could count on one hand the conversations they had had in the past eighteen years that hadn't ended up in a argument plus the number of times he had seen her.

_And deny your own defeat_

_(Don't give in)_

_There's another way_

_To consume a hungry heart_

Gage closed his eyes at the thought of what this would do to her. Assuming she even bothered to take enough time off work to attend his funeral which was doubtful. But if she actually took time to think she would blame herself. He hesitated. Did he really want to cause his sister anymore pain? She had been through more than enough and so had he. He shook his head. He hadn't had a bad life all in all.

So what if it had been a little hard? Everybody had to go through rough times and they didn't crumble. A voice inside his head whispered, "You've been through more than other people though."

"I'm a Ranger," he argued. "I'm supposed to be tough, not fall apart simply because I've gotten tired of being lonely."

"You're weak," the voice responded. "You've always been weak."

_All the love you need is just a call away_

_Let it in to where you are_

_Thinking now you've reached the end_

_Of the line_

"I'm not weak," Gage said infuriated.

"Prove it," the voice taunted. "Get your gun and prove that you're not weak."

Gage looked at the box and turned toward his room. A picture on the table caught his eye though. It was of him, Sydney, Walker, Alex, Trivette, Erika, and Angela. He hesitated. They were like family to him. They cared for him. When he and Syd had moved to Dallas they had all offered to help them move. After he had gone deaf they had all offered their support. Did he really want to do that to them? He knew how they would react.

_But there's so much more of life that you_

_Have never seen_

_Now you won't have the time_

_Now that nothing really matters_

_Anyway_

Alex and Erika would be upset, Walker and Trivette would be confused and wonder if they could have prevented it, and Syd would be hurt and think she had caused it. He would never get to see Angela grow up. He stared at the picture, thinking.

"Do it," the voice hissed. He glanced at the box on the table and continued toward his room.

"Gage, don't you dare do it," another voice bellowed in his ear.

"C.D.? Oh great, not only am I hearing voices in my head anyway now I'm hearing C.D.'s voice!"

"That's because you're being a first-class idiot and you know it," C.D. responded.

"No I'm not," Gage argued.

"Then what do you call trying to kill yourself? That seems pretty dumb to me. I didn't think you were this dumb."

"I'm not dumb!" Gage yelled.

"Then prove it and don't kill yourself."

_Oh, you give up your chance_

_But do you know that you give p_

_Your chance_

_At a lifetime_

Gage hesitated and C.D., or whatever it was, took full advantage of that.

"Think about what you're doing to everybody. That sweet little girl is never going to know her uncle and all because her uncle got tired of her."

"I'm not tired of her," Gage said. "How can anybody get tired of Angela?"

"And Sydney? She loves you, Gage, and you know it."

"She sure has a funny way of showing it," Gage mumbled thinking about the time at the Sage City gym where he had ended up flat on his face.

"That's just Sydney's way but how do you think she'll feel when she hears you killed yourself?"

"She wouldn't be happy," Gage admitted.

"Exactly," C.D. said.

"Wait a minute!" the other voice interrupted. "That old coot is just trying to get you to back out from what you know is inevitable."

"Don't it, Gage," C.D. warned.

Gage just ignored him and continued on. He grabbed his gun from the dresser and went back to the living room. He sat down on the couch and clicked the safety off. He raised it to his head and hesitated once again.

"What would happen if I did kill myself?" he asked.

"I'll show you," C.D. offered and the next thing Gage knew he was seeing the future.

_It was his funeral. Syd was sobbing her eyes out as was Alex, Erika, and Julie. Walker and Trivette were struggling not to cry but it was hard. They had just lost a good friend. Angela didn't understand what all the fuss was about but she was squalling too._

_Three years after that. He watched Sydney fall to the ground, blood spreading across her chest. Walker rushed to her and tried to stop the bleeding but it was too late._

_One month later. Trivette was shot as well and Walker was stabbed to death two weeks after that._

_Twelve years after that. Angela was 15 now and had locked herself in the bathroom. Gage saw her pick up a razor and slowly, methodically slit her wrists. Alex found her five hours later._

Gage dropped the gun and sobbed into his hands. He couldn't do it. He just couldn't do it.

The Next Morning

Gage was two hours late for work and so Walker stopped by to make sure he was all right. Several knocks failed to get a response so Walker dug out his key and stepped inside. He found the living room and stopped short.

Gage was lying on the couch, snoring. Walker smiled and stepped closer to the couch. He frowned when he saw the gun on the floor and the open bottle of beer on the table. His frown deepened at the sight of the open box sitting on the coffee table and the piece of paper sticking out from underneath it. He was just about to pull it out when Gage moaned and stirred.

"Wake up, sleepyhead," Walker said.

"Walker? What are you doing here?" Gage mumbled, sitting up with yawn.

"You're two hours late for work," Walker said and watched in amusement as Gage's eyes widened in alarm and he jumped up.

"Two hours? Oh, man. I'm sorry, Walker, I forgot to set my alarm and…"

"Gage," Walker interrupted him. "It's all right. I knocked but you didn't answer."

"I'm a sound sleeper," Gage said as he picked up his gun and laid it on the coffee table.

"I noticed," Walker said dryly. Several times before he tried to call Gage in the middle of the night with very little success. Gage had gotten up but it had taken a while.

"I'll be ready in a minute," Gage disappeared down the hall.

Walker seized his opportunity and pulled the piece of paper out from underneath the box. His eyes widened as he silently read it too himself. He heard Gage coming back down the hall and put the letter back where he had gotten it from.

"Ready?" he asked.

"Ready," Gage said with a yawn.

Walker went out the door and Gage locked it behind them then they walked down the hall together. Walker wasn't sure why Gage had changed his mind about killing himself but he wasn't about to ask. Some things were better left unknown he decided.


End file.
